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Stand Up - A comedy monologue
by Bob Natanson

   After I'm introduced the curtain parts and I'm playing the drums along with a pre-recorded big band who's blaring a medley of Broadway show tunes. After completing the medley, I go center stage to do my stand up routine.
   How's everybody doing? My name is Bobby Natanson, not Nathanson, not Snatonson. OK, you got me.
   It's Satanson.
   My old man is the big ragoo, the dark dude himself. People ask me what it's like being the son of Beelzeebulb. Well, he encouraged me to pull little girl's pigtails, and I never lost a fight.
   People ask me what it's like growing up in Hell, well, for me it's really heavenly, yeh, I'm very happy with my wife, she's half gargoyle and half imp. She's not to pretty, but at least she's always horny.
   I've always loved pain and anguish, I can't fall asleep unless my wife is yelling at me.
   But, back to my dad, he's not like he used to be when he was young. When your several thousand years old, you loose your vigor. All he does now is just sit in his rocker and take pot-shots at the dammed.
   I had problems with my mother from the very beginning. She used to paste her grocery stamps in my baby book and say things like, "Watch both ways before you cross the street.".
   I'm so short, a girl I went out with the other night said that she thought of standing me up, then she realized I was already standing up.
   I decided to run an ad in the classifieds for the perfect mate. The only response I got went like this.
   "My name is Thelma, I'm an eighteen year old Bigfoot girl. I stand seven feet nine inches tall and I'm covered from head to toe with glossy dark brown hair".
   So I decided to go retrieve my bride to be.
   I took Flight thirteen and the pilot came on and said "Relax, relax, relax", suddenly the plane lurched. Fortunately, I was sitting next to Pat Robinson. He said "Don't worry, I'll take care of everything.".
  Do you know what he did? He took up a collection.
  The stewardess asked me if I wanted a prune danish or sushi. I said "Sushi, back home we call that bait!".
   We finally landed at the North Pole. It was love at first sight and we were married by Rabbi Nanuck Finebaum.
   We boarded the plane, but Thelma weighed so much we crashed in Greenland.
   Have you ever been to Greenland on a Saturday night folks?
   All there was to do was to watch them unload the trucks at the A and P. They just hose everything down, then when it's frozen they just slide it out.
   They had a sale on used paint, it came in the shape of a house.
   We finally made it back to the states and we had many good years of marriage until I found out that she'd been seeing an Irish Setter. (I hold up a hoop about a foot in diameter and say to the audience) Anybody want to buy a wedding ring?
   I'm also an arteest ladies and gentlemen. If you don't mind I'd like to show you a film I created for public television. (A movie screen drops down and I explain that I did all of the artwork and animation by hand.
   As the fourteen minute film rolls, I narrate the story line.
   I thank the audience.
   I like to touch people with my artwork and music, but instead they think I'm touched. One almost has to be a closet music and art appreciator.   Well, you can always claim your an artist and nobody can claim your not.